How did we get here? We run into old friends and new friends alike and we talk about our career plans. Weird. I have had always found the matter of where people end up facinating. Some of us stay the same. Stay in the same place, marry the girl/guy everyone thought we would. Some of us move off far away in hopes of pursuing that dream we always had. Some of us are still working at that dream wondering if we are already living it or will get there. Have we already passed the destination? or is it no where is sight?

I don’t claim to be wise by any stretch. I surely write with a flow that will prove or defend a point. I’m a rambler. I ramble in hopes that as I ramble, the pieces will fall into place and light will come to an area that was previously dark. Offen I have to much bouncing in my head that I feel the need to write it down thinking that surely all together it would come out to something profound. 90% of the time it doesn’t. I guess that also requires life expereinces that elicit profoundt thoughts. You can’t just steal those kinds of things from other people hoping that they will mean just as much to you as it did to them. It doesn’t work that way because you haven’t been through what they have been through to get to that point of realization. I talk to much hoping wise words will come out. Or believing the words that come out are. I’m not sure which is worse.

I’m proud of my friends who are reaching fo the stars. Pressing towards dreams they have have since childhood. Garrett who wants to be a doctor. I had no idea how much it really takes to be a doctor. But if anybody had the will and determination it is Garrett. I always have believed he could do anything he sets his mind to. And then there is my brother who is pursing the dream he has had since as long as I can remember. To go to the Air Force Academy with the hopes of engineering planes and flying things and being a pilot. I honestly didn’t think he would have the perserverance to really work to get in. Now he is halfway there. I’m so proud of him.  But then with both of these cases I wonder…. when they get to that goal, do they find what they have always dreamed of? Will it fulfil all of their expectations? Will it fulfill them? From my faith base, I know that it can’t. That if this is EVERYTHING. It won’t be enough, it can only disappoint, because the world can never fulfill. We were made to want so much more. A relationship. What IS beautful about both of these cases is that I know both of these guys, do not find their self-worth in their achievements. I know that they know the world can not give them what they truly thirst for. For a relationship with the one who created them. With the one who sacrifced his own life for theirs. Jesus.

I offen wonder though as Christians if those kind of goals. Well I just wonder how it feels on the other side. Because I feel like in many ways I have taken the opposite approach to dreams.. somewhat in light of my faith and somewhat because of my fear of failure and the worth of the time and risk. I have had dreams. Dreams of being a performer. Dreams of being distinguished and respected. I have always concluded that my dreams were self seeking. I dreamed of them because I wanted attention and praise. And therefore, my relationship with Father would be much better served, if I didn’t pursue those. For the most part, I have come to terms with that. The only remaining regret for me is simply in wondering whether I could have actually made it or not. 

But if I cut the music part out of my life——
Things become different. I spent this last summer in Africa and my view of “success” and “impact” became much different. You know what now that I think about it this whole performing dream thing didn’t resurface with a vigor until this past semester after I came back from Africa. While I there though, I made the decision to leave everything music major-wise behind. It was liberating. I was a different person. For most of the summer it felt like I was striped down with no rags to reach for to cover me. Sometimes it really felt like there wasn’t a whole lot of me left, and what was left I wasn’t to proud of. It was humbling. But it was liberating. I also discovered that once I was not the person who knew everything, I learned more than I ever thought possible.


I didn’t realize it before but I am at war with myself.


I have tried to hard for so long to fit my faith and more importantly my mission into my dream. Music. Sometimes it seems like it will work -in a hypothetical future. But how many times have I found i to really fit in my present life?

They are very few.


This summer I realized that the way I feel about music, the knowledge I have, the degree I am working for, and yes the musical respect I have from my peers, has absolutely no place on the mission field.

Jesus said you cannot serve two masters.

I know which one I have pledged far more allegance to.

While I cannot say that I have felt a calling to be on the mission field. I cannot disregard what I have just realized or they very fact that everywhere is a mission field.

But my music armor keeps me from being of very much use on the mission field I stand on. Because it is my master.


I cannot deny the comfort and my love for my field of study or my future career plans.

I also cannot deny the intimacy of my relationship with Father when I leave that comfort behind.